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b3012 b3012 rating
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08-Apr-13, 08:04 PM (PST)
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"any benefits to dating a provider"
 
   Ive always heard that dating a provider has few if no benefits.i realize most of her fun times are geared towards her clients and no fun time for the SO. Does anyone have experience in this matter?

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any benefits to dating a provider [View All], b3012, 08:04 PM, 08-Apr-13, (0)  

captain_spluge captain_spluge rating
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1. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
I would guess the main benefit is you no longer pay for sex. Well, you may wind up paying more in lots of non-cash ways.

7More awesome than a monkey in a bacon tuxedo

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Ahuka Ahuka rating
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2. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
What do you see as the "benefits" of dating a civvie?

Why should a provider be any different? They are ladies, just like civvies. If you treat them them same as you would a civvie g/f, why expect to be treated differently than a civvie b/f?

Granted, you do have to not have a jealous bone in your body. And if you are going to keep "hobbying", she'd better not, either.

FWIW, the last time I had an SO who was NOT a provider was about 1984...

--

Viva la one percent!

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b3012 b3012 rating
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3. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.2
 
   So ur saying better to date no one just pay and go lol.makes sense.

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oldrndguy oldrndguy rating
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4. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.3
 
   Provider's are people too, dating a Provider would be the same as dating any other woman, sex is just one small component of a relationship, yes an important one, but it's the whole picture that makes life worth living, somebody that you can trust to have your back and vice versus is probably more important.................Or if this is another captain save a ho fantasy, I can hear the train whistle now and the train is going to wreck on you................

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HighSteppermoderator HighStepper rating
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5. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
Like others have said dating relationships have pros and cons, high points and low points, regardless of the type of work the people are engaged in.

Dating if you are in a SO relationship:

If she is a straight lady, not bisexual and not a swinger, than understand that she fucking other men is simply business and you fucking other women is personal. She ain't going to like it. I didn't realize this in my first relationship with a provider.

If she is bisexual, share the women you find. She might share her friends on special occasions.

If she is a swinger, that may make playing around a little easier.

If you are dating a provider that is considerably younger, she doesn't seem to have a concern over the age discrepancy as a civilian might.


Too much sex is still not enough

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Ahuka Ahuka rating
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09-Apr-13, 01:01 PM (PST)
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7. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.5
 
> If she is bisexual, share the women you find.
> She might share her friends on special occasions.

A gal-pal back in the 80's told me that there are so many bi- women, especially in California, that I'd be crazy to settle for one who isn't.

And if you read my "Field Reports", you'll know mine is very much so. I introduce her to one or two of my other gal-pals a month.


--

Viva la one percent!

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jaydog5555 jaydog5555 rating
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6. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
   I've tried to date two different providers but after the first few months the sex dwindles to next to nothing and you just become and friend and confidant for the most part. Most of the shit they told me I could have lived my whole life without knowing. Nothing hot like I was expecting to hear about hot sex with other chicks or something but no such luck. I got to hear all the sad and depressing shit. Imagine working all day...hot and sweaty underneath everyone else's cars in an auto shop...Well the last thing they want to do when they get home is go straight to the garage and start working on another one. Eventually my Jimmy got lonesome so I just had to ease out of the relationship and start hobbying again. If anyone thinks that dating a sex worker is like a freaky, 24/7 sex circus show they got another thing coming! lol Like some others have said if they're swingers or really bi it could be fun but if they're straight and looking for a vanilla relationship outside the sex they have on the job...you're going to get really bored really fast. Just my experience...

Jaydog

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HighSteppermoderator HighStepper rating
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9. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.6
 
It is not just with dating, but also hanging out as friends. As Ahuka and I have discussed in the past on these boards, there is often a paradox in that the closer you get can take some of the luster of the sessions. Some providers can’t put on their game face and step in to the “actress” role as easily with someone they have gotten closer to."


Too much sex is still not enough

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jaydog5555 jaydog5555 rating
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18. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.9
 
   I found this over on pinkbook on the subject too:

macimay
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3008 posts 10-Apr-13, 12:40 PM (PST)

"How To Date A Sex Worker"

http://christianbvega.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/how-to-date-sex-worker.html
The following text was originally published as a zine. I had the pleasure of speaking to the writer of these words on The Vixen Hour. There are scant resources for the partners of sex workers so I am very grateful that someone has made this effort and shared his story. It's with his permission that I am able to share these words with you.

My girlfriend is a sex worker, and I love her deeply.

This article is intended to be a resource for people in or considering a relationship with a sex worker, with advice on the more common difficulties that come up. (Stuff I would have liked to have been told back when I started dating my girlfriend, basically, and couldn't find any advice on the subject.) Most of what's written here translates into relationships of other genders and orientations, but because I'm writing from my own experience, the advice contained here will be primarily directed towards heterosexual cisgender men.

I hope it helps someone get the love they deserve.

1. Talk about it.

This is crucial. A lot of guys, when put in the situation of their partner/crush informing them that they do sex work, will instinctively reach towards some agreement like, “Well … okay ... you can do that, just never mention it to me.” This way lies madness. You'll build the sex work up in your head into something far worse than what it is – which is a job – and give your jealousy a virtually infinite amount of tawdry ammunition to work with. Talking about it will probably be awkward at first, but talk about it anyway. When you're able to discuss her day at work openly, it loses its power over your ego. The unspoken always hurts us more than what's said aloud.

(Note: lots of sex workers might not be immediately keen to volunteer information about their work. Based on prior experience, they may assume that you won't be able to handle it, and frankly, most of the time they'll be right. It will probably be up to you to ask.)

2. If you feel insecure, don't hide it – work through it.

If you've never been in a situation where your partner having sex with someone else isn't cause for IMMEDIATE BETRAYAL-PANIC, feeling jealous (or at least a bit unnerved) is to be expected. Sex is an intimate thing, and there's a panicked little voice in the back of all of our minds that worries that if your partner has sex with other men, even in the most detached way, she'll never be 'fully with you'. That panicked little voice is an idiot. A sex worker can be a fully committed part of a deeply loving relationship – you just need to make sure that your insecurities allow her to be.

Sex workers who've tried to have relationships often have stories about guys who swore that they were fine with her job, only to have it surface later in much uglier ways (i.e. endlessly putting off having her meet their family, or suddenly calling her a “whore” during an argument). Don't be that guy. Don't lie to her, and don't lie to yourself. Jealousy is natural, but it's also conquerable. The most important thing is that you don't pretend that you're okay with it when you're not.

This is the hard part. The internal part. Our culture tells us so much damaging bullshit about sex workers, but do everything you can to block it out. Instead, try and focus on these four basic, golden, obvious truths:


What other men have to pay tons of money for, she shares with you for free.

Not even having sex with those other men – some of whom can be pretty unpleasant – puts her off wanting to be with you.

Work-sex is a performance. With you, she gets to be herself – animated and vulnerable in a way that she would simply never be at work.

She didn't choose to be with those guys. She chose you.


Keep those four things in mind, and the prospect of dating a sex worker becomes the exact opposite of emasculating. Even though there are all these men who pay to have just a brief experience of (heavily mediated) intimacy with her, it's you that she wants to share something real with. It's you that she chose.

Don't make her regret it.

3. You shouldn't need her job to suck.

A lot of sex workers love their jobs, and will have some really great, enjoyable sexual experiences there.

This is not a threat to you.

If a client turns out to have been a really amazing lover, you should just be glad that she had a good day at work – the same as you would if she were a teacher, waitress or CEO. If you require her to hide whenever she's had a great time at work, purely to satisfy your insecurity, it's going to drive a wedge between you. When she feels like she can speak openly about her experiences at work (the good stuff and the bad), it will bond you closer.

4. Respect her boundaries.

Crucial advice for any relationship! But particularly so with a sex worker. The 'playing a role' aspect of sex work can be disassociating, and as her partner, part of your role is to know how to make her feel like herself again. Sometimes this might mean giving her time as she adjusts from one sexual environment to another; sometimes this might mean backseating your desires. The idea that sex workers do not have the right to refuse sex is one of the most damaging aspects of the cultural bigotry surrounding them. Everyone has the right to refuse sex. Respecting boundaries doesn't end there, but it's a necessary first step, before any others may be taken.

5. Don't tell other people she's a sex worker without permission.

A minority of sex workers are completely 'out' to everyone they meet, but most are somewhere on a spectrum between 'my friends know' and 'you're the first person in my real life I've told'. It is not up to you to decide who else gets to know. In certain circles, telling people that you're dating a sex worker might get you appreciative gasps of shock, a smattering of activist/feminist cred – whatever, it doesn't matter. It's her choice who she lets know what she does.

(And none of that “telling someone but making them swear they won't tell anyone else” bullshit. What was true in primary school is true now: when you do that, it gives implicit permission for the person you told to do the exact same thing you just did – that is: tell one other person – and before you know it, everyone knows and you no longer have a girlfriend.)

The ideal thing would be if our whole society grew the fuck up and let sex work be seen as a regular, respectable profession, but we're a long way from that. Pressuring her to be more 'out' than she's comfortable with is exactly as bad as pressuring her to hide her profession more than she wants to. These are her decisions, and you need to respect them.

6. Don't tell her to stop.

When she's had a bad day at work – the clients were annoying, one guy's dick was uncomfortably big, she forgot her lip balm, et cetera – the correct response is not “You should quit.” Everyone has bad days at work sometimes, and it's wrong to use those days as evidence that she should stop working, when bad days are accepted as inevitable in other professions.

There's a tendency in some guys to try and 'save' women from sex work, which is a devastatingly condescending attitude when the work is freely chosen. If the respect you have for a person doesn't include room for their autonomy, that isn't real respect. (This is why “I respect you too much to let you do this kind of work” is a bullshit, paradoxical position. “Let”?) As with #5, the important thing is to respect her capacity to make decisions about her own life.

7. Be on her team.

If you're anything like me, after you start dating a sex worker you'll start to notice disparaging comments made about them everywhere. All of the fashion advice that's based on not looking like a streetwalker; all of the jokes that treat 'dead hooker in the trunk' as an amusingly incidental consequence of a wild night out. Small signals that you don't accept the ignorant and destructive premise of shit like this – even if it's just squeezing her hand when someone in a movie says something stupid – can make her feel a little less attacked by them. It's a way of showing that you're on her team: of affirming her humanity in the face of a culture that frequently seems intent on taking it away. This is a small, important thing.

8. Listen to what she tells you.

There are lots of different kinds of sex work, and a variety of perspectives and needs held by those that do it. This article was written from my own experience, and it's limited by that. If a sex worker tells you that she's uncomfortable with something because of an experience she had at work, listen to her. If she tells you she loves her job anyway, listen to her. If she tells you to never call her by her work-name (even playfully, because it's a really important way she demarcates between her work and the rest of her life), listen to her. If she tells you that a particular piece of the advice I've given here doesn't apply for her, for fuck's sake listen to her.

There's a lot to unlearn around this stuff, and it hides in the language we use. Sex workers don't 'sell their bodies'; they sell an experience to lonely guys that need it. Their bodies remain their own. We have this received notion that because a sex worker has sex with their clients, they're somehow 'spent' – unavailable to a boyfriend in some crucial and irredeemable way. It's not true, any more than it's true that kindergarten teachers ignore their own children.

The truth is harder to face. The truth is that what most often blocks relationships between men and sex workers is men – our insecurities, jealousies, and need to own the people we love. If you work on yourself and are honest about your needs, there's no reason that your partner doing sex work needs to be an issue. (Honestly, the only times it's still weird that my girlfriend's a sex worker are when we're forced to conceal it in front of people who'd judge her.) The problem isn't that sex workers are incapable of devoted love, but that our masculinity is too scared and anxious to accept that love. The problem isn't sex workers, but the culture that degrades and dehumanises them.

Changing that culture begins with changing ourselves. Go for it.


by anonymous, because #5

close your eyes and pretend I'm a girl.




Jaydog

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twitch85 twitch85 rating
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10-Apr-13, 08:28 AM (PST)
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13. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.6
 
   That was very well put.

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ScreaminEagle ScreaminEagle rating
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14. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.6
 
   LAST EDITED ON 10-Apr-13 AT 09:07 AM (PST)
 
So true JayDogg, so true. What you relate mirrors my experience with dating/living with a provider or escort. When you are paying for the sex, it is business. She will take good care of you. You are fucking her "sex business" persona, such as 'Tiffany' for example.

When you are fucking her as herself i.e., 'Betty', you will get all the same issues you get in a 'normal' relationship. Plus the knowledge that she is fucking 4 to 8 guys a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year.


As you become a friend or confident, the provider begins to share her experiences with you, giving an insight into 'the business'. It is sometimes funny, many times sad and depressing. And for weird conversations, my ATF introduced me to her inner circle of girl friends who are providers. When they talk shop talk, comparing the sex they have with guys and locations, it blew my mind. For example, my last ATF told me about coming the the US and a month later becoming an AMP girl. She got arrested the first day by an undercover cop. She still talks about the trauma of being arrested. Then the experience of having three abortions. Her best friend was impregnated by a 55 year old guy at a spa. The guy told her he was married and didn't want another child. She went and had an abortion.

For me, it is better to pay and go. Forget the 'relationship' with a working girl. It is all an illusion. The costs far outweigh the benefits. My advice is, get a normal hobby like model airplanes or bicycling.

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Reclusive Reclusive rating
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8. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
Date the Ivy girl who went to Yale Law School. Then, she can support you according to the standard to which you've become accustomed.

Rec.

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Longo
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10. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
The short answer, no.

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tangoman tangoman rating
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11. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
   If you are Italian and date a provider, as a couple you become Native Americans: Awapaho

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anthonyjacobs anthonyjacobs rating
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15. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
   LAST EDITED ON 10-Apr-13 AT 10:06 AM (PST)
 
>Ive always heard that dating a provider has few if no
>benefits.i realize most of her fun times are geared towards
>her clients and no fun time for the SO. Does anyone have
>experience in this matter?

The gist of this is, if I'm dating a provider does this mean free sex? The answer is no, (no such thing as free sex) and in terms of relationships, I've found dating a provider is more costly than dating someone who's not.

Everyone I've heard ask this question is normally a cheap bastard. Congratulations.

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b3012 b3012 rating
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16. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.15
 
   Lol I know im not cheap but reasonable. Question wasnt asked for money reasons but more on the emotional stand point. Any relationship is costly as r kids but we have them not as a cost saving measure but becuz we feel its best.

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eros2354 eros2354 rating
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17. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
LAST EDITED ON 10-Apr-13 AT 06:00 PM (PST)
 
After her busy 12 hour shift, you'll be lucky to get sloppy 13th. Even after taking out her garbage, doing her dishes & getting her out of debt. Life never claim to be fair.

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b3012 b3012 rating
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19. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.17
 
   Seems like you know from experience sorry.

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eros2354 eros2354 rating
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22. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.19
 
Close but never took the dive. My experience is listening 2 too many guys spilling their guts over too many disastrous relationships w/ RA's. Relationships R a bitch.

Remember, pasture is always greener on the other side.

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wotcher
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11-Apr-13, 00:01 AM (PST)
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20. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
   I'm actually married to a provider and I feel like it has some interesting benefits. An interesting example, she hadn't given me a decent BJ in years. When she started working she ended up blowing one of her clients and when I came home she gave me one of the most amazing BJs I've ever had. Unfortunately she's only a FBSM provider, that was the only time she had done that to a client. I would love to see what she's like after giving FS, but that has yet to happen.

On the flip side, she doesn't really have much of a sex drive most of the time. When she's been with a client, it does seem to give her sex drive a nice boost, but she only works part time so it's not really constant.

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b3012 b3012 rating
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21. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.20
 
   So bottom line like any relationship the sex goes ur left with the person. If that doesnt jell move on. Live ur lifes fantasy thur other relationships.

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reloadingtoo reloadingtoo rating
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23. "RE: any benefits to dating a provider"
In response to message.0
 
   great post, printing it out and going to re read it couple times a year, in case I get reeled-in by one of my go-to gals
p.s. I had a long term 'successful' relationship with a amp girl, and smile because I did most things 'right' per-the-article

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SureLets SureLets rating
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24. "Benefits, but..."
In response to message.0
 
Drama tends to bust out as they tend to get controlling and demanding and perplexed if you don't instantly jump to accommodate their schedule.

However, that being said, it's nice when you've got options like a chick just sent me a text asking if she can come over to my house. Kinda gotta like that freebie outcall. Not sure if she wants to stay over or not, that'd be a 1st as she's only ever come over a few times and just for a coupla hours each time. I've also been to her apartment and the AMP she owns.

A 2nd one wants me to come over to her house and spend the night tomorrow night. She's been a major headache over the past 3 years and I'm glad she's leaving the country the next day, honestly. Still, should be fun for a sendoff roll in the hay.

It can get complicated when you juggle more than 1, so I would sure not recommend starting out with more than 1, just go slow and give it a whirl.

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SureLets SureLets rating
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25. "Typical - A's win! She sleeps over. It's fun, but..."
In response to message.24
 
LAST EDITED ON 13-Apr-13 AT 08:38 AM (PST)
 
See, here's when the morning-after reality sets in.

The chick DID come over and made clear after an hour of naked wrestling that she didn't want to go back to her apartment - she was essentially inviting herself to spend the night. Okaaaay... Kind of a step, not necessarily a small one either, IMO. I said, no prob and she stayed and just left 30 minutes ago.

The best part was probably her going to town with the BBBJ which she always initiates and apparently loves as it seems to get her super wet and she is playful and licks, sucks, etc. She was doing that and I was laying back watching the extra innings of the A's take their 9th straight win. Totally felt like I had a great thing going - this little hard-bodied Asian spinner sucking and slurping while I just fingerbang her drenched pussy and watch the game, right?

She cums 2X, she tells me, and says maybe she will cum "#3 hahahaaa! sooo goood!" blahblahblah. In the meantime, I still didn't pop. When things kinda wind down, she launches into a long, as in, I fell asleep sorta she rambled on so long, explanation all about the fight she had with her adult daughter she shares the apartment with the night before and how she didn't want to go home. I ask if she should at least call her to let her know Mom's not coming home, she says no. Maybe 10 minutes later the daughter calls her and the arguing resumes and she lies to her daughter and says she's spending the night at the AMP she owns. Always plenty of drama and whining about the biz and the personal life is wrapped up into virtually every time you get together.

Ya see how it goes? You kinda end up feeling like the tail wagged by the dog and you put up with lots of blahblahblah etc. though you do end up with some fun. She slept great, I was awake off and on throughout the night. I suspect tonight at the other chick's house she'll sleep great and in the middle of the night I'll excuse myself and drive home to try to get some real sleep.

There are advantages to having friends-with-benefits situations with the chicks, but it doesn't exactly ever meet some "perfect" situation, at least not in my experience.

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