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Derf Derf rating
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21-Feb-10, 05:43 AM (PST)
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"Ended Marrage"
 
This is most likely the wrong place to post but maybe not. My marriage of 13 years is over, I left my home with a trunk full of clothes and am living in a $45 per night hotel in Hayward. She said she could not deal with me any more, it saw ugly, and I know in my heart it is over. What the fuck do I do now, I have a good job, she has no steady income, and will need help, I still love her but I know there is no chance of getting back together.
I am a workaholic, that is part of the problem, I am old school and old, I was taught to work hard, support your family, and everything would work out, well it didn't and I am alone for the first time in 14 years.I break down crying some times, but I guess I will get over that with time. I have to find a place to live, and all of our money is tied up. I really do not know where to start, my first marriage broke up, when my wife left and I had the house and boat and two cars, she just walked out, so I had a place to live.
Sorry for the ramblings but I am very confused and feel really alone, because I work so much, most of our friends were hers, so not many people to talk to, so here I am baring my souls on Redbook.
Thanks for the time
Derf

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805MassageBabe 805MassageBabe rating
Member since 6-Oct-07
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21-Feb-10, 05:49 AM (PST)
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1. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
   check your inbox.
Sorry to hear about all of this.


xoxo
mb

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rich_in_2001
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2092 posts
21-Feb-10, 12:20 PM (PST)
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2. "Extended Stay"
In response to message #0
 
   Get a storage. Use Priceline to get 1 star room in fremont/union city/newalk area.
You will likely to get Extended Stay hotel.
Man-up, there is no time to cry now

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select97 select97 rating
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21-Feb-10, 01:27 PM (PST)
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3. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #2
 
   i was gunna suggest an extended stay also, i just saw a monthly rate of $899 i think at a place over by the raiders headquaters in Alameda... check Craigslist for those kinda places too.... and be prepared, storage places are damn expensive!!!!!

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Artforart
Member since 13-Oct-08
7 posts
21-Feb-10, 01:46 PM (PST)
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4. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #3
 
   I know there is a lot of pain associated with a break up and I found the best way to deal with it is first cry when you need to and see that you are about to begin a whole new adventure. Who knows where life will now take you from this moment on. Stay positive. This could be a good thing. Take care...
Art

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Derf Derf rating
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21-Feb-10, 04:23 PM (PST)
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6. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #4
 
Thanks Art, as they say,"every journey..."

Derf

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thruxton thruxton rating
Member since 7-Jun-08
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27-Feb-10, 00:10 AM (PST)
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18. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #4
 
>Stay positive. This could be a good thing. Take
>care...
>Art

well, stay single would be a more realistic position to take. that's 2 marriages done and the women can not stand you? pretty serious wake up call is in order IMO

if you don't have time for self assessment, including counseling, then just do what you do best: work.

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Derf Derf rating
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21-Feb-10, 04:22 PM (PST)
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5. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #2
 
Thanks Rich, your right no time to cry, gotta whole life ahead of me.
Thx
Derf

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sfman sfman rating
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21-Feb-10, 06:00 PM (PST)
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7. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #5
 
   LAST EDITED ON 21-Feb-10 AT 06:10 PM (PST)
 
Derf, sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult experience. I know what you are feeling and the stress you are probably experiencing right now. I have been there before.

The first thing you should do is determine where you want to live in terms of which city works best for you. If you are not sure, don't signup for a 1 yr lease for an apt. Instead, find a weekly rental that gives you lots of flexibility until you come to a decision. Just remember that weekly rentals are just temporary places to stay and will cost more than an apt.

From an emotional standpoint, you will probably go through different stages over the next few weeks and months including shock, denial, anger, pain, etc. If you have a very close and trusted friend, I would seek this person out for moral support....someone that you can see or call to talk, to vent, to be there to support you. If not and the pain seems to hard to cope with, you may want to seek professional help. Your health plan should cover this expense with a co-pay. There are tons of qualified professional counselors/shrinks that can help you through this difficult period. I would definitely recommend taking this path if you continue to struggle in coping with this situation and can't get pass it. A divorce is a huge impact to your life and things will change drastically, but you will be able to find your inner strength and realize that you can MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND YOU WILL BE FINE!

Like you, I was and continue to be a workaholic so I buried myself in my work back then when I was going through the divorce. There will be moments when the emotions will get to you so no matter how busy you keep yourself at work, it will overwhelm you. My advise to you is to try to stay strong, stay busy, and not let this situation bring you down. You are probably scared right now and worried about the unknowns. That is normal. Just remind yourself that you can control your destiny. You can overcome this emotional trauma in your life. You can be whole again, but you have to remain strong. I strongly recommend that you don't hold it all inside you and let it get to you. Let it out. Talk to your trusted friends. If you feel you need to cry in private to release the pent up emotions and stress, then do so. You are human and there is nothing wrong with crying. There is no shame to this. But, I want you to know that your life does not end now because your wife decided to leave you. You can survive and someday, you will look back to see how you were to move to the next stage in your life and that you will be fine.

Have you asked yourself if you really want to stay in this marriage or just get out since your wife wants out? Are you totally sure that marriage is commpletely over and that there is no way to salvage your marriage? Would she be willing to go to see a marriage counselor with you to try to work things out? Are you still on speaking terms with her? Will you be able to have a calm, open discussion about this?

I hope it all works out for you. Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions that I can answer.

Good luck and stay strong! You will be okay!

SFMan

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VonClitzentitz
Member since 10-Apr-07
4714 posts
21-Feb-10, 09:36 PM (PST)
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8. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #7
 
   >From an emotional standpoint, you will probably go through different stages over the next few weeks and months including shock, denial,
>anger, pain, etc.

SFMan, you are to be commended for trying to help. However, if you read his earler postings again you will see that he has been here before. I am certain he is aware of all the above. Painfully aware.

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mofomonger mofomonger rating
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21-Feb-10, 10:09 PM (PST)
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9. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #8
 
   I know this is kinda corny but I've found it to very true..."It's always darkest before the dawn".

Maybe your wife leaving you is for the best, as something much better better is down the line. Until then, grieve as much as you need too, pick yourself up and don't look back.

Best of luck to you.

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JustJami JustJami rating
Member since 21-Nov-08
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08-Jul-10, 01:17 PM (PST)
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30. "RE: Extended Stay"
In response to message #5
 
   You sure there is no chance? Have you tried starting from the beginning to rekindle the flame? Romance her, ask her on a date, show her she is more important than work. Or is she?

At least talk to her to work out some agreement so you don't lose everything and live out of a suitcase. Trust me it's not the greatest life.

Jami

It's my business doing pleasure with you!

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Esme_By_the_Bay Esme_By_the_Bay rating
Member since 1-Mar-07
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22-Feb-10, 09:47 AM (PST)
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10. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
   Poor Derf! This sounds really hard. I've never been married, so I can only empathize from a place of knowing heartbreak but not this experience itself... not that we can ever truly know another person's pain, anyway.

In the past when I was needing a place to stay and not ready to commit to any specific place with a one-year lease, I found a sublet on Craigslist. I've also sublet rooms from my house in the past that way (back when I had roommates) when roomies went out of town for extended trips. I highly recommend it. You can find one-bedroom places to stay on your own, or a place with roommates if you'd like a little more company right now.

I know that you work a lot, and maybe that helps you move through your grief. If you can, however, to at least experiment with creating some space and freedom in your life right now to move through your grief and focus on some of the bigger issues for your own heart and life. Even really terrible experiences can be life-changing in beautiful ways if we allow them to work their difficult magic on us, and at the very least, you'll move through the saddness and grief and anger and whatever else more quickly if you allow them space to run their course. Consider working with a therapist or bodyworker or religious authority or some such person, too. Again, it can really help you move through this transition and find all the diamonds amongst the coal.

Wishing you (and your ex) lots of healing,
Esme`

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culo
Member since 18-Oct-08
1017 posts
22-Feb-10, 11:54 AM (PST)
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11. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
   >My marriage of 13 years is over, ... I know in my heart it is over.I have a good job, she has no steady income, and will need help,

Get a good lawyer. If you have been supporting her, you are going to get screwed on alimony. Not to mention she gets 50% of all assets acquired during the marriage. On top of that you might be a 'long-term' marriage, meaning she can stick you for alimony for many years, 10, 12, or even life-time.

You really do not have too much room to negotiate, the state has a formula for calculating alimony and child support. And you will be stuck with that number. You can negotiatie a little, but if you stray too much the judge will step in. A rule of thumb is that alimony is awarded for half the length of the marriage. Although you may be able to negotiate a year or two less of support.

The biggest mistake I ever made was not being a bigger asshole when it came to negotiating my divorce settlement. I wanted it to be over, so I gave on some stuff that I did not need to.

She told you to get out, so that will help your cause, but not much.

You didn not mention kids. If there are kids, you will be on the hook for child support until they are 19, and half of any college costs.

The courts like you have as much of the divorce settlement negotiated as possible. If the court steps in you never know what will happen.

You should get a lawyer TODAY and file ASAP. The party that files first always seems to come out better. You are driving the deal, as opposed to reacting.

I know you may not feel like it, but if you do not protect yourself, you are going to get what you weren't before - fucked but good. And no lubricant.


culo is a culo

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johnclayton1
Member since 19-Jan-05
22-Feb-10, 01:52 PM (PST)
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12. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #11
 
   I've been married 25 years. Let me ask you something: why did you move out? She's fed up with the marriage, let her move out. Let her sleep in the living room or the garage. This is something I don't understand: she says the marriage is over, so then you move out? Dude, just move back...if she can't stand you, let her move.

"Tell your sister to come down quick..."

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thruxton thruxton rating
Member since 7-Jun-08
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27-Feb-10, 00:14 AM (PST)
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19. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #11
 

>
>Get a good lawyer. If you have been supporting her, you are
>going to get screwed on alimony. Not to mention she gets
>50% of all assets acquired during the marriage. On top of
>that you might be a 'long-term' marriage, meaning she can
>stick you for alimony for many years, 10, 12, or even
>life-time.

his financial obligation to her can not be leveraged away with a "good lawyer". they just take your money. consider mediation

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Derf Derf rating
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23-Feb-10, 04:51 AM (PST)
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13. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
I want to thank all of you for all of the sage advice, this process will take some time, but I will get through it. More to follow.

Derf

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194670
Member since 5-Sep-08
4838 posts
23-Feb-10, 10:34 AM (PST)
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14. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
Wow I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you. First off I would take the time to start healing emotionally.Go see a therapist a.s.a.p

Fell your feelings and allow them to come out. Do not hold back!!

Time will heal every thing and in time you never know??? Things may work out for you two.

Now for the unpleasant part of any break up!!!!


I would contact a lawyer ASAP and see what options you have about the house you >>>>>both<<<<< own!!! Just because it is over does not mean she gets the house. If you two are in dept then she gets 50% of that dept!!! If you two have wealth then she gets 50% of that as well. The hardest thing for any one to realize is when a marriage is over it is very important to protect your future. I am not telling you to throw her to the dogs, but make sure it stays fair for you as well.

Good luck to you.

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noworeezm8 noworeezm8 rating
Member since 13-Nov-07
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28-Feb-10, 05:56 AM (PST)
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21. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #14
 
LAST EDITED ON 28-Feb-10 AT 06:02 AM (PST)
 
>> Time will heal every thing and in time you never know??? <<

I disagree.

Time cannot, and will not, heal anything and everything for everyone. Obviously, not all damage can be undone. Life just isn't like that.

The only guarantee that comes with the passing of time, in and of itself, is that it will will carry one to his grave. Whether he has healed or not.

Some things are just broken and they cannot be fixed. We can do what we must in order to learn to live as happily and comfortably as possible with that reality, or not. Some healing can be had by choice, some cannot.

This kind of healing is best not viewed a waiting game, but as a positive choice followed by a firm commitment, or devotion to moving forward through the pain, to a new kind of life. Possibly to a better and more fulfilling life, if one is completely willing to acknowledge their feelings, works through them and not around them, and busts his or her ass to make it so.

It's hard, agonizing, and at times, potentially debilitating (particularly emotionally and psychologically) work...... and yes, it is time consuming work.

Nothing, not even Father Time can change the past, take away the bad, the mistakes, the injustice or the losses we suffer, but we can come to feel and view them differently if we are determined to do so.

In many, if not most cases, how long that takes is largely on us, and proportional to our (sometimes requisitely Herculean) EFFORTS to Heal ourselves.

We can't take away or ignore the all the bad, but until we start pushin' Daisies, we can always go out, live the lives we're working toward, and keep piling on the good till we drop.

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MongerAlmighty MongerAlmighty rating
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23-Feb-10, 03:04 PM (PST)
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15. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
   Been there, done that. Do the following immediately.

1. Cancel all credit cards. Women preparing for divorce tend to go on spending sprees and leave the ex with the bills. Cancel them now and pay them off. Tell her to apply for her own card in her name to build a good credit history.

2. Get the meanest fucking lawyer you can find with a proven track record of doing very well for their clients. Not that you'll be going out of your way to screw her over, but just in case she gets a pitbull attorney with your money, you want to make sure you have a fighter in your corner. The best way to find a good one is ask every divorced person you know what lawyer they hate the most. If a name comes up more than once, hire that lawyer.

3. Assume everything you own is half hers, including the house. If the house is far from being paid off, assume it will need to be sold and any equity will be split between you both. If you have any assets you want to keep her from getting, buy a whole life paid up life insurance policy on yourself naming a relative or a friend as the beneficiary. Once the divorce is settled, cancel the policy and cash it in. She can't touch it. Look it up, it works.

4. You pay her bills and give her a monthly allowance until the divorce is final. Any judge will see this as a good gesture on your part. If she turns into a bitch, keep paying the bills but cut off the allowance. She'll get the message.

5. Stay out of hotels. They are depressing. Get a studio apartment or someplace private with a month to month lease. You can furnish it cheap off of Craigslist.

6. TAKE A VACATION! Go someplace you've always wanted to go without her. Go alone, take a guy friend or take a provider that's looking to get away for a few days without the hourly fees. There are plenty of providers that would love to take a trip if you cover the flight and room.

Depending on how much disposable income you have, get a young, hot sugarbaby. The best way to get over a woman is to get under another one. Thanks to our lovely economy, there are a ton of young broke college girls out there right now that will rock your world for a few hundred a month. If you really want to get back together with your wife, be seen by her or her friends with a young hottie at places you once went with your wife. She'll see a side of you that will look really good and she may want to reconcile.

Good luck, and remember that change is good no matter how bad things look right now.

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ngsfmale ngsfmale rating
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26-Feb-10, 05:52 PM (PST)
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16. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #15
 
   Find out what you want and do it. It is hard.

Do things to make you happy.

Don't think about her now, do things to protect your interest. Women will turn into Queen BITCH when they are not into you anymore.

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sfman sfman rating
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26-Feb-10, 08:56 PM (PST)
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17. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #16
 
   Wells said and good advise. Do things that make you happy. It is all about you now.

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Derf Derf rating
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27-Feb-10, 06:02 AM (PST)
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20. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
As you can see I have been on this board for a long time, I honestly had no idea there were so many people that had all of this good advice, I want to thank every one of you for your input. I would love to buy all of you a drink sometime.Dom Perignon 1996 all around !!!!!
Derf

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peachgal peachgal rating
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28-Feb-10, 02:18 PM (PST)
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23. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #20
 
>As you can see I have been on this board for a long time, I
>honestly had no idea there were so many people that had all
>of this good advice, I want to thank every one of you for
>your input. I would love to buy all of you a drink
>sometime.Dom Perignon 1996 all around !!!!!
>Derf
>

not for me, as i am alcoholic and have not had a drink for 14 years. i say this here because the divorce was so painful, i began to have a drinking problem, not knowing how to cope with the emotions. so perhaps inbox me if you'd like me to share what i've learned along the way to restore health, sanity, happiness, peace and love!

so i will just toast with a nice oolong, thank you

ssseraphina

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peachgal peachgal rating
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28-Feb-10, 02:09 PM (PST)
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22. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
wow derf, thanks for your honesty. i am so sorry to hear of your misfortune. feel free to inbox if you like.

when i was divorced, it was the hardest time of my life, and i didn't have the coping skills i have now. i learned a lot about myself in the process of picking up the pieces. it helps to have ways of taking care of yourself, and that's not something a lot of folks know how to do until it's needed, and that's when it's the hardest to cultivate!

i trust that you will find your way through this madness! and i know it's very hard right now. my heart goes out to you.

ssseraphina

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Farrah88 Farrah88 rating
Member since 28-Apr-08
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02-Mar-10, 07:03 PM (PST)
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24. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 

Derf, I didn't read the other posts as I didn't want to be influenced by their feelings and thoughts. I would never say never, there is always a chance you two could get back together.
She must of gave you reasons why she couldn't deal with you. Ask, to go to marriage counseling and see if she will go for that.

If you love her so much why may I ask are you on RB? Can you walk away from this and start of new. You have been married for 13 years, and there was obviously problems for you to turn to RB.

I say think of all the pros and cons of being with her and see if you want that. This life you have isn't a dress rehearsal only get one chance at it. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest and be happy.

You can also still support her as I bet you if she needs money she will ask you.

Hope everything works out for you.

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tohos
Member since 2-Jan-06
180 posts, 3 feedbacks, -1 points
25-Jun-10, 02:16 PM (PST)
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25. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #24
 
   LAST EDITED ON 25-Jun-10 AT 02:18 PM (PST)
 
Don't whtever you do get a lawyer, those rat bastards get together figure out how much you both have and decide how much they are going to take of it.

Did what I did, make up with her, stays friends, and do the divorce together. The problem with lawyers is they nat to creat more arguments pitting each of you against each other. They cretaed the divorce rules in the first place.

As to other advice, most has been addressed. I saw a therapist and discoverd that the pian nver goes away it just fades over time and I wasn't able to function normally again for 3 years. I was married for 15 years. TRying to make it go away or hpoing it will go awy wn't work.

Also go on a fling and enjoy fucking all the best pussy you can. I myself have a 23 yr old hottie now (I'm 52) Don't buy into all that crap about having a young woman won't last. It's the best thing that can happen to you she will make you feel young again. Also next time don't make friends thru someone else make your own.

btw I'm in Hayward if you want to fuck my gf inbox me , she is a slut nymphomaniac

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Juzz4fun209
Member since 5-Apr-10
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26-Jun-10, 09:07 PM (PST)
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26. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #25
 
   There's nothing wrong with being a workaholic and a good provider!! I haven't heard her side so I don't know what the story is, communication and honesty is very good so try talking and listening to her! If that doesn't work, move on!

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marketingman marketingman rating
Member since 12-Apr-10
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27-Jun-10, 10:55 AM (PST)
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27. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #26
 
marketingman

Odd as it may sound, I was not able to get over the sick hurting loss of my marriage until she pissed me off so much during the divorce, I hated her. She tried to clam on to all I had provided for the family, she was totally selfish. Told me I was always working, no romance, and so on. I felt like I had really let her down. Later I found out she was planning on hooking up with her old high school BF. His wife called me and told me about her phone affair. Between the blame she laid on me and the greed she showed regarding our possions, I really came to the point where I hated her. My god it like all the emotion I still felf for her left. I was free...it was then that I was able to proceed with my life. We still talk now and then because of our now grown children, but I do not have one bit of feeling for her. I actually pity the men she has been with since me. One marriage only lasted 6 months and he took a hike...Maybe I should have seen her somewhat selfish ways long before our 14 year marriage ended. When i think back now about what life would be like if i was still married to her, I just thank god for change that was forced on me. Once again I was able to me me...I learned to like myself. You will be amazed at how different you view yourself when your away from a nagging, know it all SO. So I loook forward to the day for you, that you learn to hate. I guarantee there is a fine line between love and hate. When you pass over that line, you will see what I mean. For the time being be good to yourself, and don't give away the barn because you still love her, and think maybe you can get her back.It won't happen and you will wish someday you haden't made those decisions. also don't be surprised if you end up with a better relationship with your children. I pray for you that one day you will stand up and say...."Thank-you Jesus"...Steve Martin in leap of faith...good luck...hang in there ...take a trip to TJ.....

life is short live it!

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Mrgetsome24 Mrgetsome24 rating
Member since 12-Nov-09
695 posts, 4 feedbacks, 5 points
28-Jun-10, 09:02 PM (PST)
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28. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #27
 
There's alot of advice and examples for you so my two cents is no matter what don't let life beat you down. Some way you have to stay positve in a good way man.

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digital_fortress digital_fortress rating
Member since 30-Dec-04
6425 posts, 32 feedbacks, 56 points
05-Jul-10, 02:18 PM (PST)
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29. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 

This thread was started back in Feb...

I'd like an update from Derf and find out what happened? I am curious why YOU moved out though... why not her?

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Derf Derf rating
Charter Member
1473 posts, 10 feedbacks, 19 points
08-Jul-10, 04:51 PM (PST)
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31. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #29
 
I am basically a nice guy,rhymes with SAP LOL she had the condo when we married, she is not that strong, to throw her out, I would have to be an asshole in my mind, after all of this, I have to live with myself, plus there was so much of her in the condo, I would not want to live there, also it is 30 miles from my office, I now live 5 minutes from my office, get to sleep in and still get to my office before seven.
Should I have fought to keep the condo and thrown her out? , yes, could I live with myself afterwards, no.
I am happy now, I have a little apartment that is only me....well mine and the stray cat I feed, that occationaly wanders in, bought a bright red Mazda MX-5 convertible.
Life is good right now, what the future holds, who knows, do I want to know.....hell no, bring it on.
thanks for asking!

Derf
If it fly's floats or fucks, rent it

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digital_fortress digital_fortress rating
Member since 30-Dec-04
6425 posts, 32 feedbacks, 56 points
08-Jul-10, 06:00 PM (PST)
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32. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #31
 

Good to hear, thanks Derf,

Speaking as someone who also decided to move out of a house (divorce), I can tell you that it all gets better.

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lisa70
Member since 18-May-09
73 posts
27-Jul-10, 08:13 AM (PST)
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34. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #31
 

GLAD TO SEE YOU ARE DOING BETTER !!!


Kiss's
MISSY LYNN


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Derf Derf rating
Charter Member
1473 posts, 10 feedbacks, 19 points
27-Jul-10, 07:38 PM (PST)
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35. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #34
 
Thanks Lynn.
Derf
If it fly's floats or fucks, rent it

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dabba213
Member since 12-Jul-10
1 posts
12-Jul-10, 00:44 AM (PST)
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33. "RE: Ended Marrage"
In response to message #0
 
   Just had mine of 12 years ended it was a farce to start with. we got married right after she had an affair on me.After that it was affairs after affairs,I gave her all my love and 100% of my heart but that was never enuff.

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