IM RICK JAMES!

>I have chosen NOT to bring a man into my kids' lives because I have seen what their father's shack up situation with his girlfriend has done to harm, hurt and possibly damage my children.

Will you say that it is better for a single mother to stay living alone with her kid, and only date when the her kid is away, and completely unaware of the existence of a possible boyfriend? And only introduce the kid to the new man when and if they actually get married?

NOW, when my kids are grown, should I choose to shack up, then that's my business as my job of raising my children is done.

I truly wish I could model a positive, loving, normal relationship for my girls but what I won't do is substitute that with a poor relationship just because I wish to get laid every night or I've selfishly fallen in love while my first priority is my children. Any guy who comes into my life has got to be great for my kids too. We're a package deal. That's a tall order and as fabulous as I think me and my girls are, I just don't think it's realistic to expect him to come knocking at my door and I certainly am not holding my breath.

inbox me and I can probably talk to you further about what's going on -- and relay some of my own experience in this matter.

I think what SexyClassy was TRYING TO SAY (ahem) was that the boy's issues may be a little more deep-rooted. She shouldn't have insulted you or your intentions towards the mother, but she makes one very good point that I agree with:

All too often adults DO put their own needs and priorities over the kids in the case of divorce and/or re-marrying or moving in with someone else. My ex-wife is incredibly selfish with her time, whereas I sacrifice almost all of my personal time when my kids are with me. I've called her on it a few times but she's stubborn and one of the reasons we're divorced.

I think the valid questions here are:
1) What was the mom's motivation to move in with you, putting aside your love for her? Was it purely to get out of the bad place? Does she truly love you? Do you both intend to marry?
2) Does she think her son was ready to move into a situation like this with you given that he may have "abandonment" issues when it comes to men -- and he may not want to listen to a "man" (i.e. you) in this case. Should the mother have put her son in some counseling prior to moving in? Was this discussed before hand? Was he asked how he feels?
3) Now that the situation is what it is... what's the best course for the boy? Counseling with mom and/or you.

All that being said, decisions have been made, and you both need to instill some sort of respect and boundaries. Perhaps his mom never had any boundaries until now. And as bad a deal as it may seem, you are now BOTH in the position to enforce discipline and boundaries to help guide him.

I live with a woman and her two kids, along with two of my own... it's challenging, especially since her's are 12 and 14. I've experienced SOME of what you describe. But I believe my situation has been done correctly. We are getting married and the kids know that. And for the most part they respect us and each other. But it's taken a year... we enforce rules and boundaries together... we have chore charts (4 kids -- 2 chores each per week)... it's really come together. So, I can tell you, it CAN be done.

If they were in such a tough place, then it sounds like you may b rescuing her and that's not very healthy either. Whether you like it or not, what you are doing is modeling for a young man that it is okay to fuck his mother without any committment or promise. This is exactly what my childrens' father has done by moving in with a motherless woman without the benefit of marriage or pre-move in counseling or even discussion about expectations. She thinks she has the right to discipline my kids and tell them how to behave when they never asked for this and they certainly weren't asked if it's what they wanted beforehand.

You say you love her a lot????? You love the kid? Then quit messing with their lives. It's about a young man who deserves a better environment and role models.

btw, if you're in love and just moved in with this woman, what exactly are you doing here? hobbying?

Look, far be it from me to pass judgment on anyone. All that I am saying is that you can't complain about the kid when he's not yours and you haven't committed to either him or his mom. You are either invested or you're not. Really, that's all I'm trying to say.

Not all men are bad or have disrespect for marriage... even if they are "rescuing" (which I agree is not the best reason.)

Perhaps instead of insulting him, you should take a step back and ask a few more questions... why isn't the mom equally as culpable in this case, if not more? Why are you putting it ALL on Jazz?

I was pointing out that these decisions are foisted on our children and we as the adults have to see this from their perspective. I also inferred that he doesn't have a right to parent or discipline this child regardless of the fact that it's his house because he didn't respect the mother enough to marry her and be a father to her son. SHOULD the boy respect the house rules, do his homework, help around with chores, eat good food with the family and engage in healthy activities? Of course! But respect is a two way street and too often adults think "kids should just do as I say" without offering them reciprocal respect and hearing their truth.

I'm trying to advocate for the kid and I'm trying to point out that we, as the adults, are repsonsible for the modeling we provide and the impact that it has. We really have to look to ourselves first and not simply blame the kids.

Every time I see a "bad" kid, I look for his "bad" parents. Our children are what we raise them to be with some obvious contribution of genetic predisposition. I think the kid deserves some empathy, that's all.

I agree that most kids deserve some empathy when the situation is difficult. Ok, done on that.

To your paragraph above, however, I disagree with a few points.

1) I don't see anywhere in this thread indicating that Jazz hasn't offered the child some respect and support. If anything it sounds like he has offered to get to know him better, take him to things, and be a respectful adult. Where do you see any indication that Jazz is behaving "poorly" towards the boy or disrespectful? Voicing disappointment that his house is being trashed and rules broken is not being disrespectful of the boy -- he's just frustrated. I've voiced disappointment and frustration to the woman who lives with me about some of her kids' behavior as well... even if I didn't understand where it came from (mostly hormones.)

2) He absolutely has the right to set forth rules, and discipline the boy IN CONJUNCTION with the mother... but the mother has to be ON BOARD and be the front-person here.

3) It still seems you're laying it mostly on Jazz here when you say... "because he didn't respect the mother enough to marry her and be a father to her son." First, it takes two to get married. How do you know the mother wants to get married? You say you're holding her accountable too, but you're laying the whole "marriage" issue on Jazz... why? maybe she's not ready... in which case it's just as much, if not more, her deal. Secondly, how do you know Jazz is not ready or willing to be a father figure? Just because he wants some respect?

In my situation, I pay for about 80% of the mortgage on the house we live in... and about 80% of the bills. She pays for any and all expenses related directly to her children (sports, school, clothes, etc). So, while I don't expect to be treated like a king because I layed out 100% of the down payment and pay 80% of the mortgage for a damned nice house --- I Do expect her kids to respect me AND the situation perhaps a little more than they might if it were 50/50 because I think they should realize how and who is making this all possible for them. Kids need to learn to be grateful, my own included. All to often kids become entitled and used to certain things without being gracious.

In my case, her kids still have a father 50% of the time -- so I don't try to replace or be a "dad" in that sense.

I think that says a lot.

I have no personal experience with subseqnet relationships, merged families, step moms/dads, whatever. All I know is what I've seen over the last three years and the deterioration of the relatiobship between my children and their father. All that I know is that my kids are great kids but you wouldn't know it listening to him. All I know is that they are happy to chip in with chores, are open and share their stories with me and love and respect me all the time (with the usual and healthy teenage-itis). All I know is that they are not that way at their father's house, by his and their own accounts. To me, that says something.

Parent first

I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

Like I said, my EX-wife has done it all wrong... She started dating a guy two years back that was STILL going through his divorce -- a nasty one at that. She would spend nights with him, and bring my kids over to his house even though he was still living in the same house as his ex. I was pissed. Months later I found out she was having him over at her house on school nights when my kid was there... I told her I didn't appreciate that but she went behind my back and did it anyway, selfishly. His EX eventually put a rock in the windshield of her car one night when she was parked outside his place. She stopped seeing him for a while and then got back together with him a few months back. Pisses me off but there's not much I can do about it. But, like you said, kids notice.... they love it when they're with me. But curiously they don't say much or have many good things to say when they're at her place and I talk to them.

Not that it's any of your business but I left my ex and good riddance and would you like to know why? Because he didn't respect me and he didn't respect our children and after 16 years, I realized that we deserved better. Of course, leaving him didn't make him a better or less selfish person but at least I don't have to live with it any more.

I actually DO think people should live together before they get married. After the ring and the date, and a discussion with her son WITH his blessing and agreement. That's not how you did it, okay.

Since you have no children of your own, you can't possibly understand the depth of responsibility, committment, time, work and love it takes to raise them. You didn't think about this before you had them moved in I can guarantee it. So step up to the plate now if you mean what you say and do the right thing.

Sounds like you'll make a pretty shitty dad too.

>I didn't realize how much the youth have changed since I was a little youngster!

Get real. Youth have not changed in thousands of years.

When he first got the game I played with him... then he got a wireless thing for his xbox and retreated back into his room. I just don't see the value of playing those games for hours so I can't sit there with him anymore and do it.

Thankfully his mother gets on him about it -- he wouldn't do his homework, chores, or hardly join us for dinner if she didn't. However, I still think she lets him play too much -- and I still think she lets him get away with a lot more than I would if I were his actual blood parent. But I step aside and let her handle it because he has two real parents and I know darn well he wouldn't listen to me. So long as he does his chores, respects me, respects the house, and doesn't raise hell to the detriment of my own kids when they are around I'm mostly ok.

If she's not willing to deal with it, however, you may need to consider other options.

I have to run now but I hope you get the basic jist of what I'm suggesting here?

Good luck.
xoxo
MB