However, you need to keep things in perspective. This is pretty far from the worst case scenario that I have heard about in terms of drama in the house. Your wife isn't a gambling junkie, snorting coke, neglecting the kids and fucking the pool boy all at the same time.

Most married guys I know have had days/weeks/months that are at least as bad as what you describe. The bottom line is no, you are not special in terms of what you are putting up with. This is based on knowing a wide cross section of people from construction workers to executives. Blowing it out of proportion doesn't help your situation.

Two bad days out of the last twelve and you are ready to bolt? If you can't put up with a certain amount of crap like this you should be single and probably not get married again-ever. To be married for the long term, you need to be strong and be able to put up with a lot. You probably won't have luck with other women.

I love my wife, but my Lord she can be a royal pain in the ass from time to time. Like many married men, I've suffered through seemingly interminable periods where all it seems like she can do is complain, yell and engage in pointless drama. Helping her through these times is the price you pay in order to be married brother. This will be true with any woman.

However, there are some really great times with my wife as well and I know that when and if I am truly on my back, she will be the person there to help me. Also, I am not going to kick her to the curb after 20 years and all she has done for me. There is really almost nothing so bad that she could do at this point that I would abandon her. (Admittedly, I will fuck some women that I don't love- but to be honest that is typical for most married men I know and this behavior is as old as the hills.)

If your wife is truly abusing the kids, that is another story. I've always believed you need to what is best for the kids at any cost. However, if you leave her, you need to anticipate that she will get the kids- not you. Unless you can prove to the court that she is a full blown loon (I somehow doubt this will be easy for you), you will no longer be the primary care giver and will play a secondary role in their lives. If she is treating them poorly, will that make things better for your unfortunate children?

If you want to be married, to this woman or any woman, you will have to learn to be a man and survive some complaining, yelling, having her scream at the kids etc... Marriages have survived things that are much worse than this. The typical long term marriage that I know about (and I know a lot of marriages that have lasted more than 20 years), has dealt with stuff that is much worse than you describe for at least some period of time.

I stand by my earlier assertion that you have still not put adequate pressure on your wife to force her to get help. If they can get long term junkies to go into therapy, I am pretty sure that you can do it for your wife if you are determined enough. Be a man, be strong for her and do what it takes to get her some help. If she is depressed, you should feel sorry for her even though she is an insufferable bitch when she goes crazy in that fashion. She can't help it. Depression and worse can be treated. Her depression sounds fairly garden variety- she isn't hearing voices or worse. Once again- keep things in perspective and don't blow your problems out of proportion.

I will now shut up. However, you are not special- not in the least. Don't pity yourself or feel sorry for yourself- it never helps. If you want to be married to anyone, you need to be strong enough to put up with really anoying crap and learn to survive the bad times, so you can be together for the good times. Even if you eventually leave her, you owe it to her to get her help.

Good luck to you and your wife. Do the right thing, not just what is expedient. You will feel better about it 10 years from now.

Just a follow-up, for the curious or those in similar situations (I'm not soliciting more advice at this time).

Via documentation, photos, and witnesses I finally convinced my wife that her memories and internal story of how her life was going did not match the reality of it. To force her to look at the evidence, I threatened divorce and fighting for sole custody.

As she began taking her medicine again, her abusiveness and tantrums slowed and soon she was clear-headed and enjoyed life again. We were able to drop the nanny, neither of us dreads being home, and she's almost ready to return to a professional career. Now, our marriage is a childcare, shared living, and financial contract--we tolerate each other, but we don't like each other. There's still no outings together, kissing, romance, etc.

A relationship with some purposes and clear boundaries has value even if it's not the ideal.

Thanks for all the advice!