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Reading Topic #3081

escritic escritic rating
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31-Aug-10, 11:08 PM (PST)
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"Abused women"
 

I just met a woman and she had a few Bud Light. I have to say that she was on an emotional roller coaster. One minute she would be laughing and smiling. The next she would be crying and hating herself. She told me that her ex hit her on the face. She showed me again and again how he hit her. First with a fist, then couple slaps, and fist again. From listening to her, they were married for a while, 5 years plus and he hit her before. Yet she said that she missed him? After telling her that she should get him out of her life and all that, I don't think she will do it.

WTF is wrong with you women?

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Mrgetsome24 Mrgetsome24 rating
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01-Sep-10, 01:20 AM (PST)
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1. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
Yeah that is rough to see and hear.You never know when they will finally have enough.Those types of fuckhead abusers take away the womens feeling of worth and existance among the obvious.At least you gave her an ear to talk to so that's cool.

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thetakeover thetakeover rating
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01-Sep-10, 11:11 AM (PST)
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2. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
Its a crazy world we live in nowadays, dude...people have become more cruel and mean...and it has seeped into our daily lives at work; in relationships; and in everyday society...I don't know if its the 2012 phenomenon or what...but I always have this funny feeling something may happen in the near future....ah, enough of the doom and gloom, I'm just looking to have fun now, if that is the case.

For some reason, this lady sounds like a Libra or a Sagittarius, I'm leaning more towards the Libra...I'm just drawing from experience, so I don't want to generalize all Libra Woman are like this, but it sounds like this to me for some reason...My girl cousin who is a Libra got abused because she cheated...got her ass whooped on, and she still loves her husband...she calls it love??? Or another Libra lady I know, got her ass whooped on by her Samoan Husband because he was so insecure in the relationship...this Libra Lady was gorgeous and could of got any dude she wanted, but she loved the rough necks...that's how it goes in our wonderful world we live in...all I can do is listen, to them...but what saddens me is that there are cruel and mean people that will egg it on for their own amusement and instigate couples abusive, to one another, even more...I guess people really do like watching a train wreck and they root it on.

Remember, Men are from Mars, and Woman are from Venus...I think that's enough to know why woman act the way they do.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgxpDgSjxkA

Live. Love. Play. Relax.

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SureLets SureLets rating
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3. "Domestic Violence"
In response to message #0
 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

This gives a glimpse of the complexities of D.V. and makes quite plain that it's not explained by saying "what's wrong with you women" using a profane epithet to introduce your question.

Nor is it easily explained by Zodiac signs.

Having worked with and talked with victims of domestic violence for about 2 decades and seeing the depth of the issues first-hand, I'd suggest that perhaps you might want to skip getting the in-depth tragic answers if you really just want to mock and criticize abused ladies.

Should your curiosity be sincere and you truly are simply unaware of the dynamics in the cycle of violence, reading just a bit out of the tons of literature available will be more illuminating to help you get some basic understanding of this very difficult topic than will be starting a thread you kick off with a "WTF" question.

Abused children often respond similarly and have asked me, "Now, can I go back to live there?" referring to the abusive environment.

Thank you for raising this challenging topic and it's clear you have low regard for abusers, so kudos to you for being one of the good guys. Ladies deserve respect and not just freedom from violence, but also from insensitive crass judgmental uninformed comments like "WTF."

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escritic escritic rating
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4. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #3
 
I guess all those talk shows, news programs, soap operas, Cosmo, and the rest of the media haven't got the message out in the last decade or so.

Maybe the real problem is the attitude like yours. They are victims and they deserve to have excuses. Let them be. Yea, let them get the crap beat out of and being emotionally abused. So how constructive is it to criticize my attitude instead of coming up with a more aggressive solution? You can't tell me that having all these women's shelters and offering free counseling are the only solutions.

You can criticize me all you want. You imply that their problems will improve by changing my attitude, but I am not part of their problems. Maybe you need to address the real problem instead of wasting your criticism on me. After two decades of working with domestic violence victims, your answer to my question drawing from your expertise is to criticize me? Or posting a link from Wikipedia? Are you serious? It is always easier to diverge attention from the real problem to a scapegoat.

No, don't consider the fact that I am tired of seeing these women being abused. Pardon me for my anger regardless how much sense I have tried to talk them. That would require too much sensitivity and delicate indiscriminate judgement on your part.

Here is my insensitive crass judgmental uninformed comment to you. WTF is wrong with your attitude?


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sexyclassyfun sexyclassyfun rating
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03-Sep-10, 11:10 AM (PST)
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5. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #4
 
Wow, you really don't get it. The cycle of abuse is one that is always gradual and insidious. You don't meet a guy and on the first date he slaps you around darlin'. It doesn't work that way. Abusers have a script if you will and they pursue victims with a kind of stealth and patience that most hunters would envy. The cycle of abuse usually takes months or years to develop and in that time, the abuser breaks down the victim little by little, reducing their self-worth, challenging their own thought process to the extent that they no longer trust their own judgment.

Victims are constantly told that their perception is wrong, that they are crazy and more often than not, the abuser is a well-liked guy and perceived to be easy going to the outside world (any stats on how many cops are abusers?). No longer trusting their judgement and the cycle of abuse including periods of apologies and then a renewed "honeymoon," the victim keeps hoping that if they change THEIR behavior, the abuse will stop and they will be loved as the abuser promises them that they can be.

Victims are isolated from friends and family quite often and even put into a situation of financial and/or emotional dependence. Additionally, once the abuse rises to the level of moving to leave, the threats and violence invariably escalates. Threats to kill the victim, their children, their family, make their lives a living hell, torture the victim and enter them into a zone of fear that usually paralizes them. Having called the police and having the abuser jailed and released only creates more danger to the victim as the rage and level of violence of the abuser is limitless.

Let's go back to Nicole Brown-Simpson shall we? She called the cops and eventually divorced OJ but she ended up dead.

Please note my careful refrain from labeling victims as women. The fact is that many many men are victims of verbal, emotional, sexual and even physical abuse but this is a massively under-reported problem just as much due to the shame they feel in allowing this to happen to them as the women who fail to report it.

I'm not going to go on any more, but I would simply ask that instead of standing on THAT side of the fence and saying "what's wrong with YOU the victim for staying" that you gain some knowledge, insight and the compassion to understand that it's not as easy it at looks on the outside and rather than judging the victim, perhaps a more productive discussion would be how to stop the cycle of abuse and find a way to shut down the abusers.

xoxo
Ray
I can't help it, I LIKE sex!

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escritic escritic rating
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7. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #5
 
So you are encouraging abused women to stay in the relationship because they will get killed if they leave? Are you serious? Since you think one incident involving a celebrity (OJ Simpson, if we can even classify him as one), it must hold true for all others. Why don't you tell Robin Givens to stay married with Mike Tyson? Mine has TWO celebrities. According to your logic, it must be a better example! BTW, Robin Givens stated that she would have no doubt that she would be killed if she was to stay in the relationship with Mike Tyson.

Your mentality of putting all the blame on the abuser makes the victim feel more helpless. Your yourself stated that the cycle takes months or years to develop. Recognizing such relationship in early stage gives the victim a chance to stop the progress. The victim has the power to stop the relationship.

If you think victims should stay in the abusive relationship, are you telling me that women's shelters are killing these victims instead of saving them?


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sexyclassyfun sexyclassyfun rating
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11-Sep-10, 08:04 PM (PST)
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10. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #7
 
So you choose to take from my comments that I support women staying in abusive relationships? Not at all. Remember your original post queried WHY they do.

My suggestion to you is to keep your mind open until you've walked a mile in their shoes. Many, many women get out and stay out but not because YOU told them to. Victims of abuse have a psychodynamic that you simply cannot understand or empathize with until you've been there.

xoxo
Ray
I can't help it, I LIKE sex!

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escritic escritic rating
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11. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #10
 

I don't have to be an alcoholic or chain smoker to understand that smoking and drinking are bad for your health. My mind is open. Is yours?

Again, your attitude toward this issue is enforcing what the abuser is imposing on the victims. Instead, you can empower them by encouraging them to believe themselves having the power to change and the power to get out of the relationship.

The fact is very simple. Abusive relationship is bad. The remedy is stop it and get out of it as soon as possible. If they choose not to leave, maybe that's because they like it or they deserve it. Reality is harsh. But your over-sympathetic attitude isn't helping any either.


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sexyclassyfun sexyclassyfun rating
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12. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #11
 
LAST EDITED ON 12-Sep-10 AT 01:24 PM (PST)
 
No victim of abuse EVER deserves it and NO ONE likes to be bullied and terrorized. You are simply too obtuse to understand the dynamics involved or to read what I say without a filter skewing your perception. I am not an advocate of abuse or staying in an abusive relationship. I am simply trying to make you understand that it isn't as simple as you try to make it seem. It's that very judgment of society that makes admitting to being abused and getting the help needed is so very hard. He hit you, you leave, simple right? WRONG! It takes a great deal of courage, energy and compassion to help get people out of abusive situations and your oversimplification frankly makes me a bit ill.

I said it before and I'll say it again. Walk a mile in my shoes before you start TELLING me anything.

xoxo
Ray
I can't help it, I LIKE sex!

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escritic escritic rating
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13. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #12
 

Just because you have a weak mind doesn't mean everybody has to have one. It's hard to quit smoking. It's hard to discipline yourself to stay on a healthy diet. It's hard to wake up 5am to run a few miles before work. It's hard to stay home instead of going to the bar and party. It's hard to believe in yourself. But it isn't impossible.

Again, there are plenty of resources to help these abused victims. All they have to do is to leave and ask for help.


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bay_area_guy bay_area_guy rating
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14. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #13
 
LAST EDITED ON 12-Sep-10 AT 09:09 PM (PST)
 
Escritic....What's it like living in a cave?

Abuse of any kind (spousal, child, sexual) is wrong. Period. And the abuser, not the victim, is immoral. Saying that the victim is part of the problem is like saying that being a young boy is wrong because they attract priests. You clearly don't understand the manipulative ability of an abuser. It's why they are often referred to as "predators." They have a way of causing confusion and creating a sense dependency in the minds of their victims.

It's EVIL, pure and simple. To lay any of the problem in the lap of the victim is playing into the hands of the abuser.

You might want to stop and examine whose team you're on and who you're supporting. Stop listening to Dr. Phil and pay attention to what our friend Ray is saying.

b_a_g
"50 is the new 30"

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escritic escritic rating
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15. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #14
 
LAST EDITED ON 12-Sep-10 AT 10:52 PM (PST)
 
Living in a cave? I bet I have been to more places than your penis to different vagina. If I was living in a cave, I wouldn't be able to listen to Dr Phil now, would I? Maybe you should get out of your cave and get in touch with the technology a little bit.

A young boy could walk away and tell people what the priests have tried to do. Many have. I don't blame them for being a young male. I don't blame them for being molested by a priest. But I do blame them partially if they don't tell anybody about the molesting priest.

You clearly undermines a victim's will power to stop the abusive relationship. Like your friend, Ray, you are encouraging the victims to be hold no responsibility or accountability whatsoever. Are you one of those who bitches about high gas price while you drive a SUV with 14 mpg making unnecessary road trips all the time? Yes, you are not to blame. The evil Islamic OPEC is to blame! Don't forget to attend the next Quran burning event to honor the 9/11. If you lack the brain power to comprehend my sarcasm, it means STFU and grow more brain cells before you open your pie hole.


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BoneDonor BoneDonor rating
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17. "RE: Domestic Violence"
In response to message #12
 
>No victim of abuse EVER deserves it and NO ONE likes to be
>bullied and terrorized. You are simply too obtuse to
>understand the dynamics involved or to read what I say
>without a filter skewing your perception.

More like he doesn't understand why someone being abused would stay in a relationship and get upset over someone suggesting she should leave that relationship. I can't say I do either. One reason I have never married is that women by nature have very screwed up logic and reasoning processes. You illustrate that quite well with your comments...

BoneDonor

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tangoman tangoman rating
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9. "RE: Domestic Violence not always to women"
In response to message #5
 
   There were rumors that brilliant scientist Stephen Hawking suffered abuse at the hands of a female caretaker. She may have been his wife, I can't recall for certain. Anyway, he wouldn't press charges. For all anyone knows, his private agonies may be a factor contributing to his recent declaration that there is no God.

No amount of brain wattage could compensate for what ALS victims like him endure just from the disease, never mind domestic abuse. Ugh.


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Derf Derf rating
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6. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
I do not want to come off as an ass hole, but take it from one that knows of what he speaks, RUN away, far away from her, unless you are a professional, you cannot help her. I know I tried, and ended up being heart betoken and emotionally scarred from an encounter with a woman just like you describe.
Derf
If it fly's floats or fucks, rent it

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194670
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11-Sep-10, 03:59 PM (PST)
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8. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
Well to answer your question with a question????

"WTF is wrong with you women?"


Who is sicker??? the man who beats the woman???? Or the woman who lets the man beat her?????

That should answer your question

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candycoated_pleasure
Member since 4-Jul-10
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13-Sep-10, 00:22 AM (PST)
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16. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #8
 
   LAST EDITED ON 13-Sep-10 AT 00:23 AM (PST)
 
I had a girlfriend that was in a relationship for years and the 2nd year she was beaten every day from her man, over stupid shit. He was not a drunk nor did have any problems except communicating. When he got mad at her, instead of letting her talk and work it out, he solved the problem by beating her down to the floor. Things got better, but then thing went back down hill. She said she loved him so much, and was afraid to leave him because she thought he would come after her, and kill her. Finally some years went by and she stuck with her man, and one night it had got really ugly where her dude beat her with a iron and she was put in the hospital.

She was hospitalized for a while, with bad brusing and had to get stitches from this coward doing this shit to her. It broke my heart to see her like that, I kept on telling her she has to leave the man because if she doesn't leave him, he's going to think it is okay to put his hands on her.

But no, she didn't leave him. Things were okay again with them, it was like a couple weeks out of the month they had their moments and then all hell broke loose. She called me and cried to me, telling me she is broken inside and out, and has to get out of the relationship. She was afraid to call the police because if he was sent to jail, he would still find her when he got out.

A year later, same thing happen, she was beaten again and again repeatly and she finally played the role as the tough person and she flipped the script on the man she was dating, made up acted like everything was fine, and she finally was able to break through from this man.

From this day, she has became a lot STRONGER, and is living her life well, single though, afraid to be in another relationship, but Im proud of her. I felt so hopeless because I really was scared to get involved to try to help her because on my end, Im just another female, trying to help out my gf and not knowing what he will do to me.

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spacewanderer spacewanderer rating
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18. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #16
 
   "I had a girlfriend that was in a relationship for years and the 2nd year she was beaten every day from her man, over stupid shit. He was not a drunk nor did have any problems except communicating. When he got mad at her, instead of letting her talk and work it out, he solved the problem by beating her down to the floor."

Hate to break this to you, but that is not a 'communication' problem. In fact, you might say that the gentleman in question was communicating quite effectively.

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BoneDonor BoneDonor rating
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20. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #18
 
>"I had a girlfriend that was in a relationship for years and
>the 2nd year she was beaten every day from her man, over
>stupid shit. He was not a drunk nor did have any problems
>except communicating. When he got mad at her, instead of
>letting her talk and work it out, he solved the problem by
>beating her down to the floor."
>
>Hate to break this to you, but that is not a 'communication'
>problem. In fact, you might say that the gentleman in
>question was communicating quite effectively.

Women have a bad habit of looking for the hidden meaning in conversations, even when it's "hidden" right in front of their noses...

BoneDonor

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spacewanderer spacewanderer rating
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19. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
   Ah, they'll tell you anything just to get a few Bud Lights out of you. Suckerrrrrrrr!!!!!

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Pontiac
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02-Jan-11, 03:34 PM (PST)
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21. "Abused men"
In response to message #19
 
   No joke, there are just as many abused men who are treated like shit by their SO. Most never cry about it, but they suffer just the same.

Women have many support groups but men don't, because they don't handle it that way.

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jeffbeck76 jeffbeck76 rating
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22. "RE: Abused men"
In response to message #21
 
That hits pretty close to home. You wake up one day and realize that you're miserable, have been miserable, and have no choice but to continue to be miserable.

Years of criticism, hateful words, and disrespect, can't be unsaid or undone.

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KATHY_headspecialist KATHY_headspecialist rating
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23. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
WTF is wrong with the men that abuse women? Do you think the abuser just introduces themself by punching the victim in the face? Domestic violence is very complex. There are many reasons women stay with abusive men.
I was a battered woman. I believed I couldn't get any better and that someday he would change. I really believed I loved him and he loved me. I am a very intelligent woman and still I stayed. You shouldn't make rash judgements about victims of abuse. A talk show can't give you self confidence or self esteem. It saddens me to see comments like yours. I hope this thread changed the way you look at the issue. Until you have walked in someones shoes you should never pass judgement.
There are things that hobbyists do that I don't get but I don't condemn or judge.

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Farrah88 Farrah88 rating
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10-Jan-11, 00:35 AM (PST)
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24. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
LAST EDITED ON 10-Jan-11 AT 00:36 AM (PST)
 
Deep Thoughts By Farrah

I will keep it simple women that get abused usually have been treated well by the man early on. Also, then he will destroy her self esteem and gain power over all of her life.

You can't tell someone to get out, as she has to come to that on her own..

I was in abusive relationships when I was younger... It's a process and a person has to get strength to walk.

I don't remember a lot about my past during that time. I do know if a man lifts his arm or grabs me quickly for a hug I flinch. I guess this is kinda like Post Traumatic Stress disorder.

Im sharing as someone else out there might see that I have walked the shoes their in.

Back to work.... I found work on here now I'm the maintenance worker.

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dark_mirror dark_mirror rating
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28-Jan-11, 01:30 AM (PST)
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26. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #24
 
>I will keep it simple women that get abused usually have been treated well by the man early on. Also, then he will destroy her self esteem and gain power over all of her life.

I have heard this from two different women out of their own experiences, and you are correct. In general, while we may offer them what we believe to be 'useful advise', in the end, it will really be up the these women to stand on their own and walk away from those negative relationships.

For one of the women I met, I had the impression that several of her bad experiences and perhaps abuse received during her life helped her to gain a lot of inner strength and confidence. She seems to be a very mature and intelligent person beyond her years. I do not know how she was exactly before more than what she commented on her early life, but she is surely, IMO, a most admirable woman who has used that self gained strength to define goals for her life and purse them. She either left the abusive man, or they simply separated.

Now the other woman in trouble was in this bad relationship with a man who was constantly in jail because of drugs use and domestic violence towards her. They had a kid together, and she was always trying to change this man because she "loved him", she said. They were together for more than ten years, and finally, one time he got out of jail and went to live with another woman. This crushed the first woman heart and finally she understood he was not good for her (crisis). So he left her, not she. Today she seems to have put her life together a bit more, but does not show high self esteem, confidence or ambition for a better future. She might have gotten complacent with what she has at the moment.

I believe when abused women recognize themselves in the mirror as intelligent, powerful beings with the will, strength and courage to live their own lives, they create the change they need. They discover they must enter into a crisis in order to make the change happen and be prepared to confront any possible backlash. This discovery or realization has to come from their own introspection. It seems, however, it maybe easier said than done, or we wouldn't have so many reports of abused women.

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MzStryct9 MzStryct9 rating
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27-Jan-11, 11:59 PM (PST)
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25. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
WTF is wrong with you men?

You hit Me I hit back.

Sad but true he doesn't know how to deal with his anger and she will say she loves him. Is that what she told you?

Respectfully
MzStryct9


No Pain! No Gain!

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Farrah88 Farrah88 rating
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28-Jan-11, 10:47 AM (PST)
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27. "RE: Abused women"
In response to message #0
 
Deep Thoughts By Farrah

Very simple low self esteem. Men usually seek women out they can control and slowly make her feel less then she is. Once he has her where he wants her the abuse starts.

So many people use the word love when actually she feels like she can't make it on her own. If she was abused as a child she is just seeking out what is familiar to her.

The more you tell her to stay away the more she will want him. Women need to feel loved and cared for just like men.

She needs therapy and there is nothing wrong with that.

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