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Reading Topic #16769

MistressMontaine MistressMontaine rating
Member since 29-May-08
837 posts, 9 feedbacks, 18 points
07-Jan-13, 12:23 PM (PST)
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"Reference protocol, questions"
 
Is there any accepted protocol/time frame for guys using providers as a reference?

In other words, if a considerable amount of time has passed...lets say for sake of argument, one year, since the provider and client have had a session....how valid is the reference check?

And.....is it polite for a guy who saw a provider three or more years ago to attempt to use her as a reference?

This seems a bit of a red flag to me.
Why can't he provide a more current reference?
Did he really take a 3 year break from the hobby?
Has his behavior changed so much in that time frame that the newer providers won't give him a nice reference?
What gives?

I am a bit uncomfortable giving a reference for a guy I saw years ago....but haven't heard from since.

Your thoughts????

Mistress Montaine

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Miranda_Velocity Miranda_Velocity rating
Member since 24-Oct-07
1665 posts, 108 feedbacks, 212 points
07-Jan-13, 12:55 PM (PST)
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1. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
   Well, I always tell the gal that it's been awhile since I saw Client X. And I politely tell Client X that while I am happy to provide a ref for him, he should probably have another gal contribute to his reference offerings-- someone more recent. If he says he hasn't seen anyone since you, well then I would recommend encouraging the gal for other updates on his current situation-- not just RB or sexy stuff, but what he's been up to (so as to paint a clearer picture for the provider. Which, by the way, I wish all fellows did: even if they have 29 fabulous recent references).

With red lipstick kisses,
Miranda.

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persistent persistent rating
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1165 posts, 19 feedbacks, 37 points
07-Jan-13, 12:56 PM (PST)
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2. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
   I don't know what the right answer is, but I know my answers ... I tend not to use someone as a reference if I haven't seen her in the past year.

Regarding gaps, I've twice had big gaps in my reference history. The last time it happened, it was for a year and a half, and it was because I'd met my mythical "the one", and wasn't interested in sessioning with anyone else (at the time, I only did FBSM once every 6-8 weeks, so it wasn't like an obsession. Much.). It lasted over 18 months, and then she retired, and that's when I realized: Oh shit, I'm fucked. Bummer because, at the time, there were no no-ref-required providers I was interested in. Luckily, I had sessioned at one of the groups, and that group still had me listed in their customer list, so I was able to pick out someone else from that group. These days, even if I decide I want to mostly see one person, I occasionally branch out to keep my references fresh.

WhatthefuckwasItalkingabout? Oh yeah, there are perfectly legit reasons for gaps in reference histories -- but if I were advising you, the longer the gap, the more I'd ask myself whether I were really comfortable either seeing or giving a reference

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harly40
Member since 16-Mar-09
102 posts, Rate harly40
07-Jan-13, 05:19 PM (PST)
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3. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
   Very good question Ms Montaine (and very good responses). Like most things, one answer doesn't fit all sizes. A set time period (say one year) doesn't seem to make a lot of sense, other than it's a nice round number. Rather, it's the answer that fits your particular situation that's the best.

The crux of your question seems to be: Is it proper for a client that you haven't been in contact with in over 3 years (who you may, or may not remember well) to use you as a reference?

No it isn't! It is unreasonable and you Should feel you are being taken advantage of. Any person would raise the same 'red flag' questions you do (what is he trying to pull, etc).

MV has a good response, making it clear any reference she might give is 'dated.'

Persistent has good points. Gaps are not unusual (I'm only an occasional hobbyist) and by themselves not suspect. What Is unusual is that you've had no contact for years and all of a sudden get a referral request from out-of-the-blue.

Were I in that situation, it would be incumbent on me to contact the provider First, to make sure it is OK to use them as a reference (I do that anyway, even if our last meeting was just a week ago) AND make it clear to the lady I wanted to see that my referrals were 'dated' explaining any 'gap.' That way she can decide whether she is interested in getting together, and ask for any additional information she may require.

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JPA
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5503 posts
07-Jan-13, 05:20 PM (PST)
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4. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
LAST EDITED ON 07-Jan-13 AT 05:24 PM (PST)
 
Before I use anyone as reference, I contact her first to find out if she's even available to provide reference and if so how she'd like to be contacted (guys if you want ref checks to take hours and not days you'll do the 5-10 mins of correspondence this requires). I would presume any un-replied communication means she's no longer interested in giving references for me.

For this particular situation, if you remember the guy I guess you could share with the girl in question your recollection of him. At the same time you should qualify it by sharing with the girl asking that you haven't seen him for however long its been. Its then up to the new girl to use your info as she see's fit.

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machiv
Member since 27-May-11
85 posts
07-Jan-13, 06:27 PM (PST)
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5. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
   Turning the question around a bit, what if said guy contacts you to schedule after the long gap? Would you see him? Would you ask for a reference? Or seek more info about the gap and then decide? Of course, it's become more of a business decision in this case.

I would think that if you're uncertain about scheduling him then you should decline to serve as a reference.

machiv

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harly40
Member since 16-Mar-09
102 posts
07-Jan-13, 08:14 PM (PST)
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6. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #5
 
   Very good points. But before getting too far afield, The original post framed the question in terms of whether there should be some limit after seeing a provider where their reference should not be acceptable.

As one provider told me, there are two main reasons for references: To check that the client is not LE; and, To reasonably assure the provider's safety (some may wonder which is more important, but either one will ruin your whole day).

But my point is any arbitrary Time Period, say one year, is, well, Arbitrary. (I don't think someone is automatically 'Mr. Nice Guy' for eleven months following a session, suddenly becoming a 'Serial YouKnowWhat' after the twelfth month.)

Yes, I do think there should be some limits, but it depends on individual circumstances (how well do you know the provider - do you keep in touch, etc.) I think Ms. Montaine said it best and was right on as to whether or not to supply a referral (when in doubt, leave it out).

Bottom line, it should be incumbent on us, as clients, to do whatever we must in order for the lady we are seeking to feel comfortable in seeing us.

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LovelyLeela LovelyLeela rating
Member since 25-Apr-09
165 posts, 3 feedbacks, 6 points
07-Jan-13, 08:55 PM (PST)
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7. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #0
 
The main reason for me, asking for a reference is to be sure that I am not scheduling a visit with LE.
So a reference that old or older is just as good to me as one that refers to a visit last week.
In all this time, very very rarely did I have a session in which his 'behavior' turned into a real problem. Discomfort or disappointment maybe, yes. So much of how we experience a session is personal, influenced by chemistry and connection.
So in short I would accept a 3 year old reference, given that the provider has any sort of record from that time....

Leela Love

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jamie_donier jamie_donier rating
Charter Member
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07-Jan-13, 10:55 PM (PST)
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8. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #7
 
Very good question and one I deal with from time to time. I agree with what one of the posters said...would I see them again if there was a big time lapse? Of course...if I remembered him. This has happened twice in the last 6 months. Someone saying they have seen me, but I didn't really remember. I asked them many questions that would jog my memory...expecially what the inside of my place looked like...nothing really was offered. I am sorry, in that case I would have to ask for a reference again. I am not trying to call them a liar...and it's really not what I am doing, I just want to feel comfortable in thye fact that I have seen them.

Anyways, long story short, I do think there is an expiration if the provider just thinks she may have seen him, but doesn't really remember. If the provider remembers him after 3 years and is certain, I think the reference can ceratinly be used.

J

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harly40
Member since 16-Mar-09
102 posts
08-Jan-13, 08:53 AM (PST)
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9. "RE: Reference protocol, questions"
In response to message #7
 
   Thank you Leela & Jamie for your (I think) support. Both point out the dangers. The vague recollection of seeing a client is simply not good enough, and no one should expect you to act as a referral in that case.

I like to keep in touch with someone I've visited (and to repeat - it seems so much better to see 'an old friend' rather than a 'stranger') so I don't have many referrals, but sometimes you do need one when seeking someone new.

The Referral question can get out of hand; First it was one referral, then two, then Multiple (or as MV put it, tongue-in-cheek, 29 referrals). It seems to me one or two 'good' referrals establishing someone is not 'LE' and is 'Sane' should be sufficient.

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