Im inspired to write.
A man just fucked me.
I see so many "escorts" (or otherwise PROSTITUTES because that is what we really are, with a fancy name) claim how much we love this. How much they do it for the enjoyment. Or the sex factor, or whatever lies we tell ourselves. WAKE THE FUCK UP. No one got here because we want to fuck guys for a living. If we did we would still be doing this for free. I wouldn't be charging you x amount of dollars to stick your willy in my lady parts. This is completely fake. I don't enjoy this. When you fuck me I think about someone I might love to fuck me, whom I fantasize fucking me. How long will this last?
Sad it may seem. Fantasy is fantasy. I hate to make a man feel good, but I love it because when I walk away with x amount of dollars I am that much far forward in student loans or whatever. As far as my mind body and soul may feel, not so great. Sometimes I might come home and cry. Say I am not strong enough? Great. I don't ever want to be strong enough for selling my lovely body... But do you think it's good? Of course you do. That's why you pay me right? I've become a professional, an actress, a deviant liar. Not only to you, but to my family, friends, and boyfriends. How do your survive financially they say? Everyone gets a different story. My trust fund, stripping, a great job, etc. The lies, whether they are to a man, or to someone else are endless. I feel like I never stop lying. To myself, to the johns, to my family.
This might sound shocking to you (but REALLY???). To a friend or family member- mindblowing. To a "john" maybe not so suprising. We are playing make believe right? It's just that no one wants to really tell each the truth. I'm just so heart-sickened with the "truth" anymore. Tonight I told my boyfriend I was going to see a girlfriend who was falling apart. Hah. I went and saw a client for an hour or so and came home able to pay a bill I was freaking out about. My heart feels empty and terrible. I'd rather be homeless.
Let me tell you about this. Young guy. Military type. Relatively attractive. He's pretty infatuated with me. Wants to bring me home to mom. But as he's fucking me and I'm faking along I have to continuously wonder, what is this guys real story? Why is he here with me? Because if I were a guy in is his mid thirties, with a decent amount of attraction, I would not be asking ME to marry him. Doesn't he see how I am so physically and mentally disconnected from this? Doesn't he see how fake am I? That the only way I can get through this sober is to pretend that I am so far away from this I am not even a real person anymore? Maybe I am not.
Sad? I agree. What's even worse is a woman that won't admit she wasn't or isn't here. I think about myself a year ago, or others that are new to this that are so gung-ho (weeeeeeeeee!!!!) that have no clue the damage we are doing to ourselves; or maybe we do but can't even go there mentally or physically anymore. Maybe an escort three or thirty years into this won't agree with me, but I personally believe it's a numbness, a lack of belief in ourselves and our lives and OUR FUTURES that trap us here.
On the other side of all this, is something that came to me, that I am not sure would have even been there. Confidence. Maybe not long term, but enough to propel me far enough to get crazy and open up doors in my life. I respect and love every man that hobbies in this business. For the fact that you all are doing this for same variety's of individual reasons us ladies are. I don't condemn this way of life. But I sure as hell don't recommend it. It hurts a girl, it hurts a lady. As a teenage whore (for free) I've learned that I am worth so much more. I am worth flowers, dinner, and wine. I am worth it all. Because if a man will pay to sleep with me, clearly a man will think I'm adorable enough to love, FOR FREE. So I thank you all. I believe we are honorable in what we are doing. I believe all of the woman doing this are wonderful, strong, yet desperate creatures. And the men, maybe some of you might be prey, but most of you strong, incredible, and damaged in your own way.
No one does this without reason. And it takes something most of society doesn't have to hobby, or provide. For those of you hobbying, remember that while us women are providing our service, it is a fucking INCREDIBLE service. I saw recently on this board that some of you don't think "tipping" is necessary. Well us woman are doing something for you that is (a). potentially against the law (b). and using our incredible bodies. Respect that. This aint room service, and you're forced to pay 20% on that. Respect what we are willing to share with you, because for the prices going on here, whether 80 bucks or 1000, otherwise you would be in a bar buying someone drunk chicka tons of drinks with no guarantee or love or affection.
Last note. I know that this will bring lots of attention whether stated or not. But for me its the truth. I feel like for many woman it could be as well. People always say this is one of the most "honest proffesions" out there. But I've personally never told so many lies in my life. To the men I affectionate, to my family, to my friends. If ladies, dudes, whoever-like I've ever cared- rip it up. Great!! Have fun!!! Everyone I've met in this profession has been beyond belief INCREDIBLE, and I thank you all for some level of personal growth within me. Everything happens for a reason!!!
Oh, and if you haven't realized, I am basically "retiring" after next Monday- if I have a current ad it will be for a price point I am comfortable working for. Which should have happened from this beginning. But you know, thats how life works. Before we realize what's best for us, we do a lot of silly stuff.
For those of you have read this, and want to see the best show ever (bahhahaa), I will be in Reno Monday eve for one last show time. No incall.
On a very serious not, I would love to mention those of the amazing folks I met at a certain mixer, especially the two hosts, (and a room host) one of which whom stuck up for me when I first made my path here on RB. My gratitude is endless. And all of you fine people I met at the mixer, I think you are all amazing. Do what you do, and believe in it. Just don't let it hurt you're amazing souls (girls).
On that note, one of you regular members gave me one the first adult orgasm ever... thus my sexual revolution finally started (at 30 [take your guess boys]!!). Just can't fake it anymore after that...
Ya'll are some of the most interesting and fun people I've ever met. Best of Luck!!
Grace Potter & the Nocturnals: Big White Gate and Tiny Late
Great Revolution MUUUUUUsic!!!!!
Love to you all!!