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--Top Ten Activities To Honor Friend's Departed Father At Michelle Obama's Five-Star Funeral Jam

10. Barbecued shrimp slightly al dente out of respect for the dead

9. When snorkeling, bereaved hold their heads upside-down so brilliantly-colored coral fish appear to be wearing sad face frowns instead of happy face smiles

8. Commemorative Jet-Skiing

7. Morning's mani-pedi group outing begun by reading of appropriate Psalm, and then reading of a random cartoon from Marmaduke: The Classics, because you can't start your day off too heavy on the Spanish Riviera

6. Extreme zip-line excursion reminds everyone that life is fleeting

5. Resort's specialty drink? The "Mortal Coil Monsoon"

4. Waiters and bartenders only tipped 7% to remind them that there are things more important than money

3. Bereavement Para-sailing

2. Booze Cruise's Martini-and-crossed-swords flag lowered to half mast

And the number one activity to honor the dead at Michelle Obama's five-star funeral jam...

1. Moment of silence strictly observed after each Bama Slamma shot